On this Sunday one year ago we were driving the last leg of our final trip from Omaha to Nashville. Wow, what a year!
Overall, it was a tough year for me. It started out with a lot of hope, excitement, and happiness; and luckily, its ending that way as well. However, in the time in between…there were some definite rough patches. Some of the roughest I’ve experienced since college. Severe depression, severe self doubt, and weight gain. On the day we drove out here, I weighed in at approx 265 pounds. I ended up legitimately gaining about 25 pounds and hitting 290 as a steady state weight. I know that gaining 25 pounds is not the same as gaining back all 90 pounds that I lost, but some days it feels like it is. I honestly find myself bouncing back and forth almost on a daily basis between patting myself on my back for navigating one of the hardest years of my life and gaining back only 25 pounds and beating myself up for letting this happen. And all of the self talk about weight has taken a new twist as of late, due to this:
8.5 weeks. We had our first ultrasound this week and saw one perfect little heartbeat. :) As some of our readers may remember, we were actually planning to do this one year ago, but then this job change came up and we put it on hold. So, it’s great to find ourselves here now. S will have a little brother or sister come mid April!
I am thrilled to be carrying a baby. Thrilled. However, I have been struggling big time with self acceptance and negative self talk since I got pregnant. During weeks 4 and 5 I put on 10 pounds in almost as many days. It was very very VERY depressing watching it happen. I went from 290 to 300 in the drop of a hat. I know that part of that is water gain and I know that with hormones what they are I don’t have much control over that. But, now I hover right around 300 and that was a number I had really hoped not to see again. I had the same very rapid weight gain very early with my first pregnancy, and then it slowed down significantly as this one has done. But, even with that knowledge, I am still angry with myself for being here.
When I was planning to get pregnant last year, with a starting weight of 265 pounds I was really hoping to avoid seeing 300 ever again. More than anything I was REALLY looking forward to actually LOOKING pregnant. With my first pregnancy, I was about 340 when I conceived and after the rapid 10 pound weight gain I started at about 350 pounds. I never really looked pregnant, just fatter. I know that I am a full 50 pounds lighter this time around, but I just don’t know if its going to be enough to make the difference. I see the cute pregnant ladies at work; and to be honest, I envy them.
So, unfortunately, that is where I am at. I keep telling myself to let it go and just enjoy being pregnant. Of course, during the first trimester, there really isn’t much to “enjoy”! I have horrendous nausea, am exhausted half the time, find most healthy foods gag-worthy, and have been struggling with serious constipation issues. I am hoping that during the second trimester, when I start to really feel baby inside of me, I’ll have an easier time of putting my weight emotions in check.
I also had issues with pregnancy #1…pre-eclampsia at 27 weeks. I am going to try very hard to keep exercise front and center during this pregnancy. I have been doing water aerobics and feel good about that.
So, that’s the update from me. Excited for baby #2, but that excitement is tempered by some strong emotions about my current weight situation.
In the long run, these two years may end up just being my “blip”. I am hopeful that after baby is born I can get myself right back on track the way I did after S joined our lives. And in the meantime I can make an effort not to let this pregnancy end up in a 60 or 70 pound gain.