In kindness

Kelli is just so darned inspiring.  Watching her the past few days strive to come home to the habits of self care has me thrilled for her and hopeful for myself.  The fact that Kelli is posting seemed to remind some of you sweet readers of the existence of this here website.  And as such, many of you have kindly reached out to me by email with sweet nudges… “hope you’re ok”… “if you’re not, it’s ok… just come back”… “you are not alone”… “i am in a bad place right now and it’s scaring me”… I’ve even received a few texts where it was made abundantly clear to me that “hiding out” is no longer acceptable (lol).

While I haven’t had a chance to respond to many of you, please know your supportive emails and sharing of your own struggles means a great deal to me.  When I read your words of struggle, I feel your pain and man, do I understand.

Over the past year or so I’ve had many different feelings about blogging.  Part of me didn’t mind that I had less time to write and that I was spending more time with people I loved.  Part of me missed it, and YOU the readers, terribly.  As the site became more well known in my personal/local circles with support group friends, co-workers, family members, etc. all visiting it, it became more difficult to continue my style of being deeply personal with what I was going through.  I’ve used the site as a means to be completely raw about my addiction and all of the areas of my life it has impacted.

I have no immediate solution to this.  I don’t know what the right balance of it is… what to keep for myself privately and what to share… but what I do know is that I need to write and I need you guys.  So, here I am.

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Overall, my weight is pretty much what it was back in April.  I still have a decent chunk I want to re-lose.  I am still struggling with simple carbs (I once said if I could subsist on flour, sugar, and butter I would… hellloooo shortbread!) and a desire to be constantly eating.  I am still struggling to stay active.  Lately I just feel icky.  It’s amazing how quickly we become accustomed to that ongoing icky feeling when we aren’t caring for ourselves, isn’t it?  It becomes the new norm.  I hate that.

Today is a new day.  And after a few days of really thinking about what choices I’ve been making lately and how they are not supporting the quality of life I REALLY want, I’m choosing things today that feel good to me.  The things that I know I need to care for myself.  So far, I…

• started my day with a protein drink
• placed an online vitamin order for the things I ran out of awhile ago
• created a shopping list with an emphasis on high protein foods and produce
• did Couch to 5K Week 4, Day 1′s workout on my uber-cool-relatively-new treadmill
• had a yummy high protein lunch (tuna!)
• ordered more inside containers for my Laptop Lunchbox, which is the ideal tool for portion control at work (my old containers seemed to have disappeared)
• re-read about 30 or so entries I wrote over the first year post-op
• wrote this entry

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K is at sleepaway summer camp this week, so it’s a really great week to focus on ME.  Even though I’m working I’ve built in time for friends, time for crafts, time to cook wholesome meals, time for exercise, etc.  The challenge is always sustaining it when life gets messy and busy.  It all comes down to mindful choices though… I know this.

So, in kindness and not in punishment, I commit myself to taking it day by day – remembering to breathe, be mindful with my choices, and to not let what I want right in the moment overshadow what I want over the long haul.

Sound off in the comments or drop me a line at michelle@sangriasisters.com if you’d like to share how things are going in your world.  I’d love to hear from you.  The good, the not so good, and the really not so good… remember, we’re all human.  And every single second is an opportunity.

In wellness,